A Little Like Humpty Dumpty

I fell today... and I can't quite pull myself back together again.

It was a slightly traumatic morning for me.  I am fine.  We are fine.  But...

I fell.

I am physically alright.  My right knee is scraped up.  It feels worse than it looks (for now).  My left knee feels twisted... strained.  My left elbow is a scraped up mess that is already showing the lovely purpleness that won't be so lovely.  My right palm looks unharmed now... except for a small spot that looks like a piece of gravel may have decided to make a home there.  My thumb doesn't hurt a bit... but has started to take on a lovely shade of gray blue.

I physically ache.

But, what is worse.... was has me out of bed when I am physically spent... what has it so I can't pull my emotions back into check...

I fell on Ana.

I was holding Ana.  And I fell. On her.

Now... she is alright.  All checked out.  Nothing wrong save for a small scrape on her back... a barely visible scrape on her right arm... and a small egg on her head that started out as the HUGEST LUMP on a toddler head I have ever seen and felt (and people... I worked with infants and toddlers for YEARS.  I know head bumps). 

Ana is fine.

We had pulled into the parking lot of the community pool to take Zoe for her lesson.  We were just on time... verging on late.  We were collecting all of our "stuff".

In the short time and distance it took to get from taking her out of her carseat to walk to the back of the minivan where her stroller was waiting for her... I fell.  I tripped.  On my own feet? On a rock? If you ask Zoe I tripped "on the wheel".  I don't know.

What I do know?  I may never forget that split second right as we were falling.  The moment I tried to figure out how NOT to land with all of my 182 pounds on top of my 2 year old. The brief look on her face when our eyes met.  The moment we hit the ground... and I was sure I broke her.  Her body between me and the ground.  Her head between my chest and the pavement.  The thought of "I just squished her."

She cried.

I cried.

(I think the poor very young male lifeguard wanted to cry as he tried to clean my wounds... as I held Ana clinging to my chest.  Poor kid.)

I am fine.  She is fine.

We went right to the pediatrician (after talking to them on the phone).  The doctor and nurses were kind enough to check us both out.  They cleaned the remaining gravel out of my cuts and scrapes.  They warned that we would be tired... that it would hurt more tomorrow... that we would be cranky.

We are bruise, scraped, bumped.  We'll heal.  We're ok.

I just want my heart to stop racing at the thought of that one moment.  My mommy heart just crumbled.