Once upon a time, a long time ago (before I had Ana, before I had Zoe, before I got married)... I went to Weight Watchers. I was quite successful. I was a stickler about the points, and the servings, and the water, and the activity. I lost almost 40 pounds... and was down (at my lowest) to 130 pounds.
Anyway... I got married and relaxed a bit. I gained a little weight. But... I was comfortable with myself. I think I floated around 140 lbs.
Then...I got pregnant with Zoe... and I gained weight. I gave birth and I lost the weight. Well... some weight. I got stuck around 170 lbs.
I tried Weight Watchers again. I thought "I did it before, I can do it again. Maybe." I made a decision, though. This will sound strange... but I wasn't REALLY happy at 130 lbs. Don't get me wrong... I liked the appearance of 130 lbs. But, I was neurotic about writing EVERYTHING down in that WW journal. It made me anxious... trying to stay at goal. I worried about food. I thought about food ALL the time. It took every bit of will power in me to stay near 130. So I said.... forget 130. That seemed unreasonable. I figured my happy goal could be 150 lbs.
Well, the WW people didn't like my goal of 150. It technically was 2 (or 4? I can't recall exactly... it was over 5 years ago) pounds over the healthy range they had for my height (5'4"). They said I could put down 148 (or 146?). I don't know why... but those 2 (or 4?) pounds on paper just really threw me off. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't focus. I thought "I just want to be a happy 150. Why can't they just let me do 150? 150 is doable" I tried a little... but not enough. I stopped going to the meetings.
Then I got pregnant with Ana... and I gained weight. I gave birth and I lost weight. Well... not really much more than that baby and fluid weight. This time I got stuck at 180.5 lbs.
2 1/2 years later and the scale just taunts me. I watch what I eat... 180.5. I eat like a crazy person (where DID all of those girl scout cookies go?)... 180.5. (And that .5 TOTALLY pisses me off.) It just doesn't seem to matter one bit what I eat... that scale just looks back at me and flashes 180.5 lbs.
I finally had enough of the 180.5. I'm uncomfortable with myself. I'm not happy being the chubby mom. I'm just not happy. Something needs to change.
12 days ago our new treadmill was delivered. It is big and bulky. To make it fit in our house we had to rearrange our bedroom in a way that bugs me. For the first day it existed in our house I couldn't do anything more than look at it and hate it just a little bit.
It has been in our house for 12 days. I have walked 30 minutes per day on 10 of the last 12 days. This morning I got on that scale and instead of flashing the number it's flashed at me for the last 2 1/2 years... it's flashed at 178.5 pounds.
That feels like the biggest 2 pound accomplishment of my life. Sharing that here for public viewing makes me feel good. That was the one thing about Weight Watchers that I always felt helped push me towards losing weight. Going to the weekly meeting, stepping on the scale, and having someone else see what I had done. Even just that 1 lady each week that looked at my scale and jotted down my weight. The accountability. Giving up the secret.
So... 9 years, 1 marriage, 2 kids and 50 pounds later... I'm putting it all out there.
I'm 38 years old, 5'4", 178.5 lbs.
And... it seems, the most recent (almost) full body photo of me is from last August. Gotta fix that too.
12 comments:
WOO HOOO! Way to be brave!
Thanks Angie! It's amazing how good it really does feel to just give up that number.
Good for you! Thanks for the post.
Thanks for reading Kimberly!
Sent from my iPad
Giant hugs to you, Colleen!! You are a brave lady, and an inspiration! I am keeping your post up in my browser every day for a month to remind me that I'm just fine where I am.
I still go to WW just for the accountability of it. Not that I track now - I hardly ever do it even though I have the iPhone app - but it is something. I'm trying to achieve a number since that is better for my body because I have rheumatoid arthritis, but otherwise would like to give up on that idea completely and just FEEL good. My mom (who is retired) just lost 40 lbs in 10 months, and while I've gone down by 22 in that same time period, I have been feeling all sorts of bad feelings because I didn't do as well.
This is such a great post- hugs and high five. I hope you reach your goal- I'll be cheering you on. And be sure to take more photos!
I am SO proud of you and this post! I just got back from the gym, and did 30 minutes of cardio.
You can do it, we can do it!
WOO HOO! You will be running 30 mins on that treadmill someday soon, I can so feel it. :-)
So very brave of you - and I gave up on WW too...for pretty much the same reasons. I know my body and know where it feels good, but it was nice to have the accountability. And the writing it down...that is what I should do because holy crap I eat a bunch of "other stuff" that I don't even think about.
Thanks Mara!
I found there were definitely positives and negatives to doing WW with someone else. It's sad. I would feel somewhat guilty if I lost and they didn't... and I would be annoyed if they lost and I didn't. We used to get REALLY annoyed when my dad would "cheat" all week long and lose while we would be so careful and then gain. grrrr. Weight gain and loss is just such an awful thing that so many people struggle with.
Thanks Daisy!
It's so strange to look through all of my photos. It really makes it obvious how few photos I'm in. Gotta work on that more!
I'm trying to keep the motivation for the treadmill.... but it was HARD this week.
It takes to much energy to have your husband in the Philippines, I suppose.
(at least... that's my excuse)
I'm thinking maybe if I write it down here for the world to see every Sunday it's help. Maybe? We'll see.
Post a Comment